When Monsters Become Light

            Last summer I left the school I was attending for my graduate program because I felt that there was no space for me to be my authentic self and live into my values. I did not feel safe expressing and processing my faith through my creativity. Fortunately, I am in a new program where I am given the freedom and creativity to do so. This post is not meant to compare these two programs because I soon realized that everyone has different realities. The reality was that the prior program did not fit me best, but it might be someone’s reality that the program fits them the best.

             It was that reality that led me be intentional about not criticizing that institution. This was easier said than done because that school was associated with a certain church denomination, and not just any church denomination, my church denomination. How could me home denomination cause me so much pain? Were they aware that I felt abandoned by my own denomination? It’s not necessary as part of the healing process to explain all my negative experiences I had with the church over the last couple of years, nor is it wise. But it is necessary to understand that my past experiences with this church have created emptiness within my soul.

            A dark shadow always seemed to loom over me, and while I no longer live in fear of this shadow, I think everyone can relate to the shadows of their trauma. The monsters we face are the scariest because we can never outrun them. We don't know how they appeared; they are just there. When I think of the last months of last year, yes monsters appeared because of the injustice I was exposed to in my grad program, but they also appeared because I let them. By no means am I saying that people are at fault for the demons that they face in their daily lives.  But what if our monsters live in our lives because we give them the power to?

            I always thought the Cherokee legend of the two wolves revealed wisdom on how we have the power to shape our own realities. A grandfather once told his grandson that there was a battle going on inside him. If you a familiar with this Cherokee legend then you know that the battle is between two wolves. One is good-filled with joy, happiness and peace; the other is evil-filled with anger and sorrow. When the grandson asked his grandfather which wolf would win, he responded,  “the one you feed.” This legend speaks to an inner truth we all share as Earth brothers and sister.

            For me, I was painting my home church denomination as the monster; it was my inner wolf that I was feeding. The wolf of disconnect and loneliness soon became my reality because that is where I was putting my energy in. The only thing was that during those months, I have been so hurt that I wasn't even aware of the wolf I was feeding. Maybe pride blinds us from seeing the monsters we are feeding, or maybe pride validates the monsters we create out of a sense of entitlement? I experienced hurt through injustice; therefor I am entitled to feel anger. But is feeling that anger really worth it?

            Was living with a monster of loneliness, disconnect, fear and anger really worth myself denying the wolf of community, joy, forgiveness and self-acceptance?At that point I would think that pride and a sense of entitlement seem petty to hold onto. Pride and entitlement, among themselves, are not inherently bad, but it must take a wise and grounded individual to use them for bettering this planet. Earlier this month, I was slowly starting to piece that together. I still had question that I had to figure out for myself.

            The first being that I had to find a faith community that I could be apart of, and while I enjoy visiting other places of worship and learning about different faith traditions, I knew that my faith community specifically had to be Christian. I am too strong of a woman to let a couple of bad experiences in the church deny me of practicing my faith- a faith of forgiveness and mercy that I use to help process the world around me.And while I visited a couple of other churches in Louisville, something was still missing. I started to feel defeated from not finding a church that gave me a sense of joy and community.

            It was on a Saturday that I realized that maybe the reason I couldn't tap into this joy was because I was denying myself this joy. I realized then that I did not have to have the same relationship I used to with my old church denomination but I at least have to be willing to meet them halfway. By meeting them halfway, I could finally be at peace in order to find what my soul is looking for. I’m not sure if I’m willing or ready to call it forgiveness, but I knew that I was holding onto something that wasn't worth holding onto.

            So the following Sunday, I visited this church that was apart of my home denomination. I was scared. Terrified I would be judged, shamed or have to tolerate the monster that I was desperately trying to run away from. And without the risk of sounding like a cliché, none of that nature happened. I was just building all of that up in my head. I have only been there once, but during that one time I felt so much love, inclusion, community and emphasis on spiritual wellbeing that I haven’t felt in a long. I could not think of one bad thing to say about this church (except all the stupid one way streets in order to get there); it just felt safe.

            Ironically, the pastor preached on being able to see the light on that Sunday. My main takeaway from the sermon was that sometimes people are in the darkness because they allow themselves to stay in the darkness, even though they wish to see the light. The only way to the light on the outside is to see the light within. I am sure that my readers are smart enough to see how her sermon heavily influenced this blog post. It was such a powerful experience that I am going to go attend this coming Sunday. I’m not sure if I will be a regular there, but I can say with confidence is that the wolves we feed and the monsters we paint is not worth the consequences of loneliness and anger. If we feed wolves, then lets feed the wolves that bring us the most light in our lives.